More About Me than the Cats

Monday night I enjoyed a nice walk over to the garage kittens at dinner time.  I was enjoying the longer hours of sunlight, the warmish weather and the birds singing, but the anxiety about them was still there. As I got closer to the kittens I started calling to them, like I always do. So they know its dinner time and they will come out. I like to keep track of them after all. They all ran out, and  circled me, just like always. David was eating out of a box top left by the other lady who feeds them (I really need to have a talk with her about that, it keeps attracting ‘coons, opossums and, ick, a skunk!). Little Mommy and Bana came out, they rubbed on each other and on the side of the truck I feed them under. They walked in circles arching and rubbing on things, so excited to see me, so happy to be alive. Adi circled under the truck, watching me for a few minutes. Normally when I dish up the food they are right there, trying to eat out of the can and off the spoon as I serve. This time, they just continued arching and rubbing on each other. I moved the food dish, to show them and David took a little nibble, but wasn’t all that interested. I saw Mr. Poosh peeking at me from around the corner of the garage, so I decided to let them be. I certainly wasn’t going to make them eat their dinner. So I picked up the can and started to walk away. Adi ran across the street and started rolling around the neighbors sidewalk, her white fur standing out quite brilliantly in the growing darkness. Poosh ran over to the food and sniffed it, then started rubbing on his mom and litter mates.   They didn’t touch the food while I was there.

Now I can’t explain why, but for some reason I just felt better after that. Maybe it was a revelation, an awakening, but it didn’t feel like one. It just made my stress disappear, not all at once, but something changed. I am not as worried about them anymore. I guess something just clicked in my head that there is only so much I can do for them. I love them far too much, but there really is only so much I can do for them. I don’t give up on them, but they are being cared for by two people (myself and another lady). They currently have shelter and I am looking for new shelter for when their garage gets boarded up. It will all work out fine. I am doing the best I can for them, and that is all I can do. I will not, and cannot stress myself out over them. That doesn’t help me, and it doesn’t help them. I have helped them so much already, kept them going through the winter, fixed them, vaccinated them.  They are in the best situation they can be in right now.  I am a little afraid I am just being jaded and cut off from them, instead of actually accepting that they are ok. But either way I am not anxious about them. Which is amazing. Now, to just make peace with the lack of worry.

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