I’m tired. I’m so, so tired, both physically and mentally. Sleeping on the couch does not make for a refreshing slumber, especially when you wake up two or three times every night. It leaves the body sore, and the mind weary from the constant interruptions. So why am I sleeping on the couch if I am so exhausted? I am sleeping on the couch because I love my cat.
Crash has been doing poorly lately and the discussion of quality of life is starting to come into the picture. Last weekend I thought I was going to have to make that big decision. Thankfully it hasn’t come to that just yet. His thyroid is out of control, it appears that the last few months he either wasn’t getting enough medicine or it wasn’t working for him; his levels are three times higher than they should be. Because of this he looks emaciated. It is painful to look at this cat. If you didn’t know better you would think he was neglected.
Before I knew just how high his thyroid levels were, I worried his body was just shutting down on him. (Perhaps it still is, but there is hope. Hope is amazing.) He hasn’t been acting right and then, almost two weeks ago he started refusing to take his medicine. I thought surely it was time. He has every right to tell me he is done, and every right to refuse his medicine. I won’t force him. I don’t want him to suffer either though, which makes it difficult because two of his medicines are for his heart, well three if you include the thyroid. I thought maybe it was time. Then, my frail old man slipped and broke his tooth nearly in half! I spent the entire weekend frantic. I thought for sure he was going to be rushed into surgery on Monday or Tuesday to have his tooth removed. In his weakened state and with his thyroid out of control (this before I knew just how high it was) I didn’t think he would make it through surgery. Thankfully there was no emergency surgery and what I thought were my boy’s final days were just ordinary days. He still fights his medicines, but I am able to get his thyroid medication in him at the very least. The plan is to see how much his thyroid levels change next week, and decide from there what the next steps are for him.
While the body seems to be failing, the spirit is there. Most of the time. He still gets super excited about eating, and not just in a hyperthyroid OMG I’M STARVING sort of way. When he catches me playing with Crackers he comes in and shows great interest in playing. He even swats at the toy a few times before collapsing. He also loves his snuggles. Which is why I am sleeping on the couch. Crash and I used to snuggle just about every night. He would come up to my bedroom and sleep somewhere on the bed, but always touching me. Lately he just hasn’t come upstairs. I think it is a combination of failing eyesight, painful joints and a goofy cat named Crackers. Either way, my baby doesn’t snuggle in my room anymore. Last weekend, when I thought his days were numbered, I freaked. I wanted to spend every moment with him. So I slept on the couch. Now it has become a routine and he looks for me, waiting for me to toss his favorite purple fleece blanket across the couch so he can snuggle in between the couch and my legs.
So I got to sleep on the couch every night. In the middle of the night I wake up to the sound of Muffin growling and hissing at Crackers (that is, if I haven’t already woken up from stiff joints). Unfortunately for me, his midnight kitty crazies come just about the same time as her need for a midnight drink. He usually is just running around the house, not bothering her until she draws attention to herself. So I have to get up and go break things up. While Crackers and Muffin have been doing this dance for over a month now, it seems to be worse since I stopped sleeping in my bed. Crackers gets confused and lonely without me in my bed. The first time he caught me sleeping on the couch the look on his face was like “oh! There you are! Why are you here?”
So, every night I go to sleep on the couch. I wake up to pet and kiss Crash, to stretch my stiff body, to break up kitty disagreements. Sometimes I end up sleeping in my bed for a few hours. Though, last night when I went upstairs Crash looked at me from his bed (not the couch, his bed in the window) as if he were sad that I was leaving. So I have one cat who wants me to sleep on the couch and one cat who wants me to sleep in my bed. As a result, I am tired. And sore. I also can’t help but feel I am betraying one cat or the other (depending on where I am sleeping.)
So. I am tired. After work and caring for/worrying about Crash, Muffin and Crackers, and rescue work there just isn’t anything left. Which, in the short of it, is why there haven’t been any posts lately.